On Christmas 2.0, Or, Who Might Be The New Santa?

by: fake consultant

Mon Dec 26, 2011 at 08:31:28 AM MST

Peace and good will, of course, and cookies and candy canes, and happy kids - and this is also the time we think the most about those less fortunate, as do Jews and Muslims, who also have holiday celebrations this time of the year that include a component of charity.

But if there is anything that I could change about the modern practice of Christmas, it would be the installation of Santa Claus as an icon of consumer spending, more or less to the exclusion of everything else.

As an intellectual exercise, I started thinking about what a different Santa might be like; today's story lays out who a few candidates might be for "Santa 2.0" and why.

So go grab a cookie, and, perhaps, a refreshing beverage...and let's have some post-Christmas fun.

On The Question Of Virginity, Or, "Starter? I Can't Make Her Stop!"

by: fake consultant

Sun Dec 11, 2011 at 02:19:39 AM MST

He's had a crazy car problem, he has, and over the past few months he thought he had found a solution - in fact, he thought he had found the solution of his dreams - but in the end, he's discovered that the things you dream about often don't go according to plan.

The way it's worked out for him so far, it's been a lot of anticipation followed by a sudden wave of frustration, but I feel like he's a lot better off having his particular problem with his car...because if he'd had cancer instead, he'd surely be dead by now.  

Hitler Holds News Conference, Blames Balanced Budget Amendment For U.S. Defeat

by: fake consultant

Tue Jul 26, 2011 at 09:03:01 AM MST

"All those ideas Mr. Roosevelt spoke of", said Hitler, "Lend-Lease, modular shipbuilding, War Bonds, secret weapons...in the end, all of them were just words, since the Americans' Congress was never willing to allow the country to fully fund its war effort."  

On Being Bumped, Or, Let's Have Another Roundup

by: fake consultant

Mon Jul 04, 2011 at 10:18:21 AM MST

But that's OK, because the world's been busy doing a lot of other things - and while many of them get media coverage, some don't get a lot of notice at all.

And of course, there are also those stories that look one way at first glance...but look a lot different when you dig a bit deeper.

We'll hit a few of those today, have a bit of fun doing it, and get ready for what promises to be another busy week of strategically not doing things in Washington.

To make things even better, some of the stories will be real, and some won't.

We'll see if you can tell the difference.

On Sunday Drinking, Or, Has Satan Been Rendered Irrelevant?

by: fake consultant

Tue May 17, 2011 at 06:39:06 AM MST

Of course, the reason I don't drink on Sundays is because that's when Satan likes to go hang out at my favorite bar - and to be real honest with you, lately Satan's getting to be a real drag to hang out with once he gets drinking.

I mean, it's depressing: he's always talking about how he gets blamed for the economy, even though he claims he has no control over Wall Street, and atheism is a bit of a sore subject - and he's forever complaining about how all his best customers have been outsourcing more and more work to Varsavarti.

But if you think all that's a drag to have to deal with...you should hear him complain about Republican Presidential Politics.

On Open-Source Entertainment, Or, Today, Jon Kyl Meets Twitter

by: fake consultant

Thu Apr 14, 2011 at 02:57:04 AM MST

Of course, that 90% claim was total hooey; it turns out that only 3% of Planned Parenthood's work relates to abortions. (The Federal funding for abortions part is, too; the Hyde Amendment made such funding illegal decades ago.)

When confronted, Kyl's office released a statement claiming the Senator's comments were "not intended to be a factual statement".

Sir Rev. Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, DFA, decided to have a bit of fun with Kyl, and he challenged his audience to Tweet their own "Not Intended To Be A Factual Statement" about Kyl.

I decided to compose a Tweet of my own...and then another...and before I knew it I had an entire story's worth; that's why, today, we'll be taking a taking a short break from the daily grind to have a bit of fun with a man who truly deserves it: Jon Kyl.

Campaign Manifesto #3: On The Road, Defending Social Security

by: fake consultant

Mon Feb 28, 2011 at 02:53:44 AM MST

The Fake Campaign, as you may recall, is fake headed for Wisconsin, to show solidarity, and we've fake hitched a ride on a delivery truck headed for Rush Limbaugh's Florida broadcasting studios-but we fake found ourselves caught up in the all-too-real Giant Grip Of Winter that has seized the Midwest over the past week.

We're back on the road now, but we were stuck for darn near a half-day there at Wall...and if you know anything about South Dakota, you know there are really only two things to do in the City of Wall: you can shuffle back and forth between Gold Diggers and the Badlands Bar, partaking of numerous intoxicating liquors along the way...or you can head on into Wall Drug (the same one that's on all those bumper stickers and signs) and partake of the finest display of Giant Jackalopia on the planet.

The Campaign, naturally, chose Jackalopia-and that's why today's Manifesto is all about the fake impromptu 5-cent-coffee-fueled Social Security Town Hall that we held in the Wall Drug Mall for several hours while we waited for I-90 to reopen.

Campaign Manifesto #2: In Which We Travel To Wisconsin

by: fake consultant

Mon Feb 21, 2011 at 01:51:32 AM MST

Having made the announcement, we're already making our first campaign trip-and oddly enough, our first trip as a Congressional candidate will take us to Madison, Wisconsin, where we'll link up with a few folks who, apparently inspired by me, have taken to the streets in a very big way.

When we get there I'll need a parka, a nice hat, a thermos of coffee, and a big fat Sharpie-so let me go get it all together, and then we'll be on our way.

Campaign Manifesto #1: In A World Of Phonies, It's Time For A Fake Candidate

by: fake consultant

Fri Feb 18, 2011 at 07:08:18 AM MST

We have a wavering President, far too many feckless Democrats, and Republicans that have decided to dive headfirst into total "insane mode" in a full-blown effort to destroy this country just as fast as possible.

To give but one example, in my own District, WA-08, we are represented by the absolutely useless Republican Dave Reichert, whose best-known legislative achievement is that he has virtually no record of any legislative achievement whatever.

Now we've had a very interesting relationship, you and I, over these past few years; in my efforts to "bring you the story" I've been a fake political consultant, a fake lobbyist, even a fake historian...and now, I think it's time to try to bring our relationship to a new level.

And that's why, America, I'm announcing my fake candidacy for Congress.

Oklahoma Shari'a Law Controversy: The Secret Plot Is Finally Uncovered

by: fake consultant

Wed Feb 09, 2011 at 03:38:44 AM MST

Amazingly, the effort to impose Islamic law involves some of Oklahoma's most prominent business leaders, the National Basketball Association (NBA), and the University of Oklahoma's Fred Jones, Jr. Museum of Art.

Here's the story, as it can now be reported:

Halliburton Gets $2 Billion Contract For Florida "Cardboard Condos"

by: fake consultant

Sun Oct 17, 2010 at 18:51:14 PM MST

"Having homeless senior citizens drag their appliance boxes all over the city reduces the community's aesthetic appeal and leads to complaints", said Halliburton spokesman Tendei Furlough. "The new modular design, combined with our ability to print attractive images on the outside of the boxes, guarantees both increased protection from winter weather and fewer complaints from affected neighborhoods."

FEMA's Director of Emergency Housing Resources Spike Fromula agreed: "We thought we had a real problem with homelessness in a number of our major cities after the Social Security safety net collapsed...but now, we think...well, we think we have a way to wrap the problem up in a neat little package."

After Bathtub Accident, O'Donnell Changes Position

by: fake consultant

Wed Oct 06, 2010 at 09:35:48 AM MST

Spike Fromula, O'Donnell's press secretary, explained to the press gaggle today that O'Donnell now realizes that it is possible to "masturbate without lust in your heart" after Saturday night's revelatory event, which Fromula described as a "slip and fall episode".

"It wasn't exactly 'The Passion of the Showerhead'" said Fromula, in a reference to her former work as a marketing consultant to the Mel Gibson movie of a similar name, "but there is no doubt that her thinking on the issue has evolved".

Build Freedom Center, not GZ Mosque (jk)

by: SpoonFighter

Thu Aug 26, 2010 at 08:41:49 AM MST

As everyone is aware, true American patriots everywhere are protesting the proposed construction of a mosque two blocks from Ground Zero in NYC. Not only is it insensitive for American Muslims to try to exercise their freedom of religion, but everyone knows it's just a cover for a giant mind-control device that will turn us all into suicide bombers.

But it's not enough to protest. We must demand that the government seize this private property and build the Freedom Center, a monument that will show the world what America is all about! ...

Find out more about the Freedom Center at http://spoonfighter.com/archiv...

On Homeland Security, Or, We Visit A Terrorist Gathering Place

by: fake consultant

Sun Aug 22, 2010 at 19:09:07 PM MST

I mean, where did the money come from?

Who does this Imam hang out with, anyway?

And, at a time when our Nation faces more threats than ever, why would we let these Muslim madmen situate their "terror command posts" anywhere?

Well, I don't know about all of that...but I do know a place where lots of these Islamic terrorists go to obtain the equipment and supplies they need to support their particular craft, and I decided to make a bit of an undercover visit to the spot, so that I might "observe and report" on what goes on at this specific location.

So put on your dark glasses...and let's go see what we can find out.

Who should the US invade next?

by: SpoonFighter

Fri Aug 20, 2010 at 15:52:00 PM MST

The last US combat brigade left Iraq yesterday, which raises a very important question: where should we invade, er, I mean, protect our freedom, next?

Here are some possible candidates:

Canada
1) They have oil.
2) They sponsor terror (Justin Bieber).

More after the jump.

Friday funny: Tax cuts solve all problems

by: SpoonFighter

Fri Jul 23, 2010 at 08:24:03 AM MST

http://spoonfighter.com/archiv...

Please let me know what you think!

- SpoonFighter

McInnis Resignation Letter Found In Trash (Satire)

by: peacemonger

Sun Jul 18, 2010 at 23:43:17 PM MST

This was found in a dumpster outside of a feed store in Durango:

Dear Friend,

As you may know by now, I have decided not to run for Governorre-election in the office of Governor in 2010.

I am so proud of all you have done to support my campaign. Your incredible support of this effort put us in a strong position to win this race re-election. And I'm confident that your sustained commitment to our forward-thinking vision for the state will ensure we elect a governor who continues leading, will lead Colorado forward this November.

So before I explain my deeply personal decision not to run for reelection election, let me just say: thank you.

Almost five years months ago, in the spring of 2005 2010, I began running for governor of Colorado.

My campaign theme -- the Colorado Promise "It's about Colorado. It's about you"-- was a deeply held belief that we as a state were not living up to our full potential.

So we laid out a vision to create a New Republican party New Energy Economy, to build up other Industries of the Future like aerospace and biosciences, to reform our education and healthcare systems, and to modernize our transportation system.

Today, even in the face of the worst recession since the Great Depression, that vision is becoming a reality. We are leading want to lead Colorado forward. People all across Colorado are fulfilling the Colorado Promise, and Colorado is on the road to recovery.

It is my privilege and my honor to serve as governor candidate of in the greatest state in America.

Over the past years, but particularly over this last year, I have attempted to balance many roles in my life. I have been a candidate the Governor, I have beena candidate for re-election a member of the Hair Club for Men, and I have also been a husband and a father.

I am proud of my work as a candidate governor . I am proud of the direction of the state of Colorado the Republican party.

I am proud of my campaign, of the staff we have built, and of our re- election efforts.

It is my family who has sacrificed the most -- my wife, Jeanne  Lori, and my four  a bunch of our kids. I have not found the proper balance where my family is concerned, and I have not made them the priority they should be.

Ending one of my roles -- as a candidate for re- election in 2010 -- will allow me to concentrate on the things that are most important: taking care of my family, and taking care of Colorado.

While this decision allows me to make my family a priority, it also allows me to focus on keeping  watch others keep the state budget balanced and keeping Colorado on the road to recovery.

The Colorado  economy is getting better, but we still have budget-cutting to do on the '09-'10 and '10-'11 budgets, and we'll be submitting the '11-'12 budget in November.

By not running for governorre- election, I'll be able to make the tough and unpopular decisions that simply need to get made -- free and clear of the sometimes bitter partisan politics of an election year.

We're positioning Colorado for a strong recovery with our New Energy Economy  a Republican coup, our job-creation strategies and our education reforms.

The rest of the country is looking to Colorado on everything from the economy to energy to education.

We're in a great position, and we're on the right path. I look forward to spending the next 4  12 months keeping our budget balanced and our economy growing helping the Republican candidate.

From the bottom of my heart, thank you for giving me the honor and the privilege to serve as your governor candidate-- and for all that you have done to help lead Colorado  America forward.

Sincerely,

Bill Ritter, Jr. Scott McInnis
Governor of Colorado Candidate

(Attention "Attorneys to Elect Scott McInnis": I was just messing with you. This isn't real. THIS IS A JOKE. I REPEAT, THIS IS A JOKE. Haha. Read Bill Ritter's resignation letter here:
http://action.ritterforgoverno...

Republicans Intervene In Traffic Accident, Call Settlement "Shakedown"

by: fake consultant

Thu Jun 24, 2010 at 04:34:03 AM MST

The intervening attorneys claim the settlement reached between the two parties to the accident is a "shakedown" because the plaintiff had not yet exhausted all possible legal remedies when the agreement was finalized, and because the agreement was executed in the presence of the plaintiff's brother, a well-known local attorney.

They hope Judge Bryan will decline to approve the settlement in today's hearing, and that he will order the parties to move forward to trial.

"What we have is government transferring property from one party, an admittedly unattractive one, to others, not based on preexisting laws but on decisions by one man, a car czar", said Crush Mimbaugh, attorney for the RSG, "and we are here today to protect all Americans from this legally sanctioned rape of an innocent driver."

At Black Tie Ceremony, Feith Passes Torch To Barton

by: fake consultant

Mon Jun 21, 2010 at 03:46:33 AM MST

Well, I had one Saturday night, which is how I came to be in the Colonnade Room of the Fairmount Hotel, Washington DC with about 250 of my closest friends, in a classic shawl-collar tuxedo, attending one of the most exclusive "passing of the torch" ceremonies in recent Washington memory.

And when it was all over, Douglas Feith was a happy man.

On My Approaching Gay Anniversary, Or, I Break The Fourth Wall

by: fake consultant

Fri May 28, 2010 at 00:56:29 AM MST

It's a tale of catering and rejection and redemption, all in one, along with a bit of the Harlem Renaissance thrown in for good measure, and the big circle that was created was officially closed last Saturday night.

So come along, Gentle Reader, and I'll tell you the story of how I was officially notified that I'm a member of the gay community-by email.